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The London Underground.


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Hi all, Pinched this from another site, very funny.



A list of actual announcements that

London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...


1) 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize

for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to

get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my

ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the

Westbound and go in the opposite direction.'


2) 'Your delay this evening is caused by

the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not

knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any

further information as soon as I'm given any.'


3) 'Do you want the good news first or

the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my

birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad

news is that there is a points failure somewhere between

Mile End and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach

our destination.'


4) 'Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize

for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria

station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable

future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time

together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging

on a wall.....'.'


5) 'We are now travelling through Baker

Street ... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would

have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell

you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like



6) 'Beggars are operating on this train.

Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you

have any spare change, please give it to a registered

charity. Failing that, give it to me.'


7) During an extremely hot rush hour on

the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian

drawl: 'Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and

gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided.'


8 'Let the passengers off the train

FIRST!' (Pause ) 'Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like

sardines, see if I care - I'm going home....'


9) 'Please allow the doors to close. Try

not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The

two are distinct and separate instructions.'


10) 'Please note that the beeping noise

coming from the doors means that the doors are about to

close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the



11) 'We can't move off because some

idiot has their hand stuck in the door.'


12) 'To the gentleman wearing the long

grey coat trying to get on the second carriage -- what part

of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?'


13) 'Please move all baggage away from

the doors.' (Pause..) 'Please move ALL belongings away from

the doors.' (Pause...) 'This is a personal message to the

man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the

train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your ruddy

golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and

shove them up your arse sideways!'


14) 'May I remind all passengers that

there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the

Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only

fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.'

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