Geoff Posted May 13, 2011 Share Posted May 13, 2011 A Few oldies A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time..... I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train. He was chuffed to bits. I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it... I thought to myself, these idiots have lost the plot!! I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance. Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over. A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said.... 'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.' My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Stuff that, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web. Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy. My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’ I bought her a pair of scales. Went around to a friends house today. His wife was sitting there with their new born baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it.... I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead. Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried. "What's the matter?" I asked. "I've got the big C,"he said. "What, cancer?" "No, dyslexia." I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move. A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with eBay. He claims that the Wii GameBoy he received isn't what he was expecting. I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'. Tampax announced about three months ago that they would be replacing the cord on their tampons with a piece of tinsel. This would be for the Christmas period only. I got some new aftershave today which smells like bread crumbs. The birds love it! David Cameron has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits. From next week all the forms will be printed in English. An RAF fighter plane was flying over Afghanistan when he noticed a flying carpet on each side of his plane both with a machine gunner on board. Sensing danger he shot them down. Back at base he got in big trouble - apparently they were Allied Carpets! On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor' - I thought what a good idea, why don't we have them in our country? The lead actor in the local pantomime Aladdin was sexually abused from behind on stage last night. To be fair the audience did try to warn him! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted May 13, 2011 Share Posted May 13, 2011 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest dave turbo g Posted May 13, 2011 Share Posted May 13, 2011 Nice one Geoff, made my day Dave G Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BikerBob Posted May 13, 2011 Share Posted May 13, 2011 Hi, Those gave me a good giggle Geoff Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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