The Correct Way To Come Home Drunk

[Guest]

Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs,get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes Up, and yells at me for staying out so late."

 

His friend looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach.

 

I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say!, WHO'S HORNY????!!!" and she acts like she's sound asleep!

 

Works Every Time!!

[Guest dave turbo g]

Magic

 

 

Dave G

 

3 guys who meet every Friday in the pub were talking about how they got stick every time they got home from the Friday session

 

One said, i know what we will do

Go home tonight & what ever SHMBO says you must do.........all agreed

 

Next Friday they meet up

First guy, " i went home knocked the dist bin lid off " Bedroom window opens, "go on wake all the street up" So i banged the tin lid on the bin & woke everyone up

 

Second guy, " i went home, opened the front door, took my shoes off, crept up the stairs & fell against the wall knocking off our wedding photo " go on smash the place up" So i did

 

Third guy sat with a JAM JAR on the table

"Well, i went home, quietly opened the front door & crept up stairs

took all my cloths off on the landing, carefully opened the bedroom door, i had oiled the hinges that morning, slipped into bed & put my hand between here legs

YOU CAN CUT THAT OUT

Here it is in the jam jar

 

Dave G

[Guest]

[yoda]

Jimmy loved the beer. His wife Goretta gave him an ultimatum, give up the beer or your gone. Jimmy was in work on Friday evening and Joe asked him if he was going for a pint after work. No said Jimmy, im stayin away from the beer for a while......Just two pints Jimmy, c'mon....Allright, just the two.

 

12 Pints later and it was closing time. Jimmy asked for two naggins of whiskey to see him home. He put both in the arse pockets of his jeans. He wobbled home and tried to be as quiet as he could as he snook in the front door. As he walked up the stairs he fell and the two bottles in his arse pockets broke. He waited, but no sign of Goretta. His arse was stinging something shocking, and when he rubbed the arse of his jeans he discovered blood. He went into the kitchen and found a pack of plasters and proceeded with the aid of a mirror to patch himself up.

 

The next morning he awoke to hear Goretta giving out stink, she was raving about the bloodstained sheets on the bed ..it took him a couple of minutes to remember all that had happned. He knew he was in bother, so he tried to make up an excuse as quick as he could. He told Goretta that he hadnt been drunk last night, as he was on his way home after doing 5 hours overtime he saw a woman in the middle of the road and a car speeding twoards her. He ran and managed to save the woman from the car but in the process he unfortunatly fell and cut his backside on the road.

 

OMG Jimmy, you saved that womans life.....and there was me thinking you were out drinking all evening......theres just one more thing. Can you explain to me why theres 37 plasters stuck to the mirror in the kitchen.....

[Guest]

Brilliant Fran, brilliant