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International Threat Level


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The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "miffed" to "peeved."

Soon security levels may be raised yet again to "irritated" or even "a bit cross."

We Brits have not been "a bit cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorised from "tiresome" to a "bloody nuisance."

The last time we issued a "bloody nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.


The French government announced that it has raised its terror alert level from "run" to "hide".

The only two higher levels in France are "collaberate" and "surrender".

The rise was prompted by a fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the countrys military capability.


Its not only the French that are on a heightened level of alert, Italy has increased the alert from "shout loudly and excitedly" to "elaborate military posturing".

Two more levels remain, "ineffective combat operations" and "change sides".


The Germans also increased their alert state from "disdainful arrogance" to "dress in uniform and sing marching songs".

They also have two higher levels, "invade a neighbour" and "lose".


Belgians, on the other hand, are on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.


The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.

These beautifully designed subs have a glass bottom so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.


Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all their allies, just in case.

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